No, i'm only mildly obessed with wicked

3:44PM - Good plan?

Step 1: Figure out which parent you can guilt trip better.

Step 2: Guilt trip said parent, focusing first on how hurt you are by them, then leading into how that adds to your existing stress regarding your job, school, etc, etc and how much you hate living on campus.

Step 2a (optional): Throw in that Kristen's mom died.

Step 3: Offer living off campus as an easy solution to all your problems! Suggest they'll have your undying love for just a measly $300.

Step 4: Decorate new apartment with Kristen.

I like this plan quite a lot, but sadly involved me quitting my job.  I can't figure out if I'm totally brainwashed into feeling bad about leaving or if I genuinely love my job, but I feel very very conflicted.  Plus this would also involve taking money from the very same people who just told me that I was not wanted at home.  (For those not in the know, my mother finally went totally off of the deep end and told me that I am completely unwanted and I can't return home.  This might have been a spur of the moment insanity driven decision, but it still really hurt.  I hate these episodes that she has and they're getting more frequent. I don't know what to think anymore. I digress...).  SO the question becomes, quit job, take money from parents, move off campus, OR stay with res life and not ask the parents for much money. grumble. this is hard.  I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'd call Boone and ask what he thought.... can't really do that now, can I? damnit.
 

1:17PM - Sinatra never fails to make me smile.

 There are many many crazy things
That will keep me loving you
And with your permission
May I list a few

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No they cant take that away from me

The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they cant take that away from me

We may never never meet again, on that bumpy road to love
But Ill always, always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till three
The way you changed my life
No they cant take that away from me

5:44PM - This is going to come out sounding horrible but....

...it makes me feel better knowing that I'm prettier than the next girl.  I don't often acknowledge my appearance as anything more than mediocre (at best) so when I do, its a big deal.  I actually feel fairly awful when I get this little vindicated feeling, but it makes me really happy to see that I am about a hundred times more attractive than someone.

No, this is not directed at anyone in specific, although it was obviously inspired by a couple people. I'm having my moment of vanity, please deal with it until it passes.

10:16PM

 insert moping about my annoying body here.

most of the time i'm not really bothered by the fact that my body is probably more dysfunctional than the osbourne family but right now i really want to cry. the waitress at dinner tonight gave me a hard time about not wanting to eat dessert. obviously im not going to eat something loaded with sugar, i dont have a death wish. then my heart starts bugging me. like worse than what usually happens. things like this just make me want to cry. i wonder what its like to be in good health.

10:56AM

i can't help but wonder what cathy would do if jamie started apologizing.
doesn't matter. jamie is an ass.

3:16PM

I am churning within and cannot rest,
days of suffering confront me.
I walk about blackened, but not by the sun...my bones burn with fever.
My lyre is for mourning
and my flute for the sound of weeping. (Job 30:27-31)

...yep. that about covers it. Job summed it up pretty damn well.

8:48PM

Dear Stupid Loser,

i have a very hard time believing that you can possibly be this self serving and inconsiderate. I cannot find it in me to be okay with bailing on someone last minute, and I expect that to be a mutual courtesy.  As made obvious by your actions, you don't feel the same way.  Why I tolerate your childish behavior, I really don't know, and frankly its getting really old.  I'm beyond furious right now. I'm heartbroken and hurt.  Most of all, I feel betrayed.  Please don't tell me you're going to do something and then not follow through. You can say whatever you want to, but actions speak louder than anything you could possibly tell me at this point.  I hate this. I hate this feeling, I hate constantly being let down, I hate the fact that you don't seem to give a shit.  I wish that I could say that I hate you, but that would be an outright lie. That being said, however, I must point out the fact that I wish I could find it in me to hate you, dislike you, or even be indifferent towards you.  It would make this whole stupid situation a lot easier. In the meantime though, go fuck off. Spare me your excuses, lies, and your presence. I don't want to see you right now.

me.

12:39PM - goals

• drink more water. i'm constantly dehydrated and should probably knock that off
• get to the gym more.
• tone down the jealous tendencies. most of the time i do a good job of not letting them known, but there are just some things that i really don't need to envy
• start realizing when things are over.  the important part of this goal is to also stop thinking about whatever it is that i need to not be thinking about
• read more
• stop losing my cell phone!!!!!!
• work on getting a backbone. i've been working on this for a while, but...

okay... got a little bit sidetracked.  old friend from high school just found me on facebook.  she is now working as a tattoo artist. and she is married. and quite preggo.  i'm honestly a little creeped out. i'm not okay with this getting older thing.  sooooo not ready to grow up.

NEW GOAL!!!!

NEVER GROW UP!!!!

1:05PM

alright, the last post wasn't entirely true.  turns out that the fact that it happened again finally hit me last night.  i wish i knew what to think about it and i wish i knew a better way of handling it.  i don't know why, but my body just kinda sucks at functioning.  i spent most of last night sitting up thinking about why this would happen again. i can't come up with a reason.  i don't really have to, i guess.  one of my close friends told me that I was a tough cookie, and while i don't see it, i guess this is where the old "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" cliche comes in.  if its true, i should be a pretty strong person by now.

i think i'm going to go bake something else now.  i guess the upside to me getting really upset is that it fills my house with baked goods. 
 

5:02PM

i just realized something kinda odd.  i just found out that my lovely 2 years of remission has been put back to square one.  this is not really what upset me.  what DID upset me was the fact that when i got the chunk cut out of my arm, it bled. a lot. i make absolutely no sense. 

6:11PM - i've decided to start a list of people who bother me

• people who don't understand the difference between your/you're, there/their/they're... etc
• people who are famous for being famous
• people who think that they are better than you because they have read x book, seen y movie, or know z song
• people who think they are better than you for no reason
• people who think they are better than you.
• people who do absolutely nothing and complain about having no time.
• people who have the awful, inconsiderate, rude tendency of completely ditching you after they said they were going to come over/meet you somewhere/call you
• the people who ALWAYS start a conversation with "im not trying to be a bitch, but..." and then proceed to say something completely rude/uncalled for

i'm sure this list will expand, but there it is for starters.
i'm bored. what else do you want from me? lol

11:10AM - As much as I'm not a T. Swift fan...

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come. Is this in my head I don't know what to think...

I had my itunes on shuffle and this damn song came on. Yes, I have Taylor Swift in my itunes.  It gets to that stupid line, and I start crying.  CRYING. we're not talking little "aww, this is such a cute song" cry, but a full blown "I'm so sad and this damn song is reminding me why" cry.  First of all, I really don't like Love Story.  It makes me wonder if she ever read any of the books that she references.  Second, I don't like being reminded how I keep waiting on ______(fill in unlikely wish here- I have several).

I currently feel like shit and lack the motivatio to get out of bed.  I need to. Its past feeding time.  I just want to stay here and sleep more.

8:36AM

I'm going to the doctor today because my mother's constant nagging got to me.  i don't want to go, but i realize that i need to and really don't have a choice in the matter.  i do feel like mentioning, however, that my mother was nagging me to go, not because she's worried about my well-being, but because she's worried about having grandkids.  she called me up the other day (when i was at starbucks with people) to nag me about it. about having grandkids.  boone told me to tell her that i'm a lesbian so she shouldn't worry about it... hah. she started it in with it again yesterday and i WAS going to do it, but as history has shown us time and time again, i have neither the balls nor the spine necessary to do it.  So i mumbled something under my breath about how i'd be just a good a mother as she's been to me.  it would have been hilarious to do.  even though its not true, i'm tempted to do it just because i'm a horrible, spiteful, person and I'd love to hear her reaction.

SPEAKING OF NAGGING!  did you know that I eat waayyy too much and too often?  being responsible about my blood sugar isn't ACTUALLY being responsible, its the behavior of a fat person! why would I have a fat person's behavior? because I'M fat! didn't you notice? i'm so fat, in fact, that my mom is reverse-jewish-mothering and putting me on a salad diet. this is why i've started cooking all of the house meals.  if i don't, the meal is salad. i have no gripe with veggies, but that alone will land me back in the hospital, and that isn't something I'm okay with.  I'd love to go back to my nutritionist right now and let her know how fat I am, how my eating behaviors need to change, and how I really need to drop a few pounds.  every time the mother has mentioned my HORRIBLE eating habits ("Shayna, we just ate 3 hours ago! do you REALLY need to eat again?") i've let her know that its better than me not eating at all and then smirk at her.  

I need to get out of here.

3:19PM - hi, i'm going to be slighty cliche.

so i was on facebook (the root of all evils) a few minutes ago and i kinda had my heart broken a little bit.  i drove down to cooper city yesterday, and i'd been on call for the two nights prior.  I had called one of my littles to see if she wanted to come hang out with me for a bit before i came home for the summer (both of my littles live in jax).  she said she'd call me right back.  this didn't happen and i still haven't heard from her.  turns out that she went down to rockledge with a few of our other sisters and just blew me off. normally i'm okay with that, but it really puts a whole damn shaker of salt in the wound when there are a bunch of pictures posted on facebook of her and another one of our sisters and its captioned as "little <3" or "littles"  i'm sorry, you have your own littles, please let me have mine.  i must be a really shitty big or something. argh. cooper city depresses me, especially when there is nothing to do but be told how fat i'm getting. 

btw, my mom is putting me on a diet because i'm so fat. i've lost weight this semester and i'd like to think that i wasn't fat in the first place.  doesn't matter. she happened to bring this up in front of a bunch of people i work with (including my boss).  i shot back at her with "well its better than not eating at all ::superduper sweet but angry face::"  it shut her up until we got in the car and i needed to grab a snack.  you know, its kinda funny that she's starting in on this again.

can i come back to jax yet?

11:35AM - Notes I took in class last Weds

The Supreme Court.

being on the supreme court must be like being Greek.  I wonder if they all get along and go out for Big Macs after hearing a case? I can't imagine what it must be like to work with the same 8 people for 2-3 decades! <-- that was supposed to be an exclamation, but I drew a question mark so I fixed it.  In the Bush White House, the president was very hands off in the selection.  I think that may be why the US sucks ass right now.  People get nominated and get to the court, get to stay on it for as long as you want.  If its a crappy justice stays, then the court would be full of crappy justices.

(the above is what I have written in my notebook, verbatim.  Sometimes I make myself wonder... I realize that while it isn't the most amusing class, I really don't need to have things about food in my notes. that's just silly).

11:29AM

last night fucking sucked.  i hate being a bitch, and i really hate it when my hand is forced so that i have no choice.  i'm also not a fan of feeling like an absolute bitch because i can't get my jealousy under control.  please don't break the stupid rule, and please don't tell me that you're going to be somewhere and then not show up.  actually, don't tell me you're going to do something and then not follow through.  while i can't say this has been the worst 12 hours of my life, i can't say that i've actually cursed out and kicked my door before.  i'm at a complete loss for words right now and i'm absolutely heartbroken.  i'm going to get the fuck out of jacksonville and leave the dumbasses behind me.  congrats on being a stupid shitwad, and please don't blame your idiot tendencies on me.  and for the other dumbass? yeah, we're not okay. don't fucking lie to me. don't even bother talking to me for a VERY long time.  nothing nice will come out of my mouth. 

7:21PM

i know i've said it before (and i don't care) but i'm too stressed out.  i'm having panic attacks again. you know why? i'm overloaded, overworked, overwhelmed, and overly neurotic.  yet again, i'm in my boss' office crying about how everything is falling apart, and what if this and what if that, and i'm just so fucking over it.  i want to be done here. i'm leaving next year, another year and i won't be me anymore.  i realize i'm always stressed out and blah blah blah, but this is more than the norm and i can't take it.  i dont' know of many feelings that are worse than the ones that you get when you have a panic attack... i've had 2 today. wtf.  i used to be happy. i want the summer back.  i was happy then.  i want to disappear off the the face of unf, and just retreat into the bat cave for a while.  this is something i cannot handle.  i'm not an incredibly strong individual, and i'm pretty sure that i've inherited my worst habits from the mother.  i'm too much a rafner woman. damnit.  i wish i could be a bitch more often, but everytime i try, i wind up crying because i feel awful for making people feel bad.  i need a hug. really badly. i want to go home.  i want to go back to cooper.  as much as i hated it there, i want to go back. i want my friends back. i want to know that there are people around who have known me for half my life and still decide to hang around me.

biffle just came and brought me food. seriously, he's awesome.  he got me to calm down a bit too. 

i just need to find the balls to say "this is driving me crazy and i can't function anymore."  nothing is worth feeling like this. 

11:56AM - best. night. ever.

parents always tell their children not to get in the car with strangers, but what if said car is actually a truck and is actually shaped like a hotdog?  haha. ashley and i went out to see confessions of a shopaholic last night (yes, i suck at bed rest, i know. but it was just sitting around in a movie theater so it can't be that bad) and when we get out of the movie, the parking lot had pretty much cleared out with few exceptions.  one of these was the wienermobile. yes THE wienermobile. so us being... well.. us, we go over and start taking pictures and freaking out because THE wienermobile is in front of tinseltown.  after a while, these two guys come over (ashley asked them if they were the drivers- they weren't) and we started talking. as it turns out, one was from germany and the other from nigeria. ashley wound up putting her hand on the window of the wienermobile, and opening a window... it was unlocked. so the german (in his infinite german wisdom) reaches in, pulls out a thermos and a "rucksack". haha. they peace out to go drink or something, we go to ask the box office if they knew if the wienermobile driver was in a movie.. they didn't know so we head back to wait. we figure that we could wait for the last movie to get out, and if he doesn't come out of that, we'd head back to campus to get ACTUAL cameras (instead of the ones in our phones).. then this silly little prissy car drives up.  its full of hooter's girls.  they get out and start prancing around and taking slutterific pictures. they get back in the car, and we see that the last movie got out... theres a guy walking over to the wienermobile! it was the driver, Double Dog Derek!!  BTW, he's my new bestie. so long story short, we got to ride around, and then hang out in the wienermobile. it was awesome. and then we went to steak and shake. we stalked the wienerman. night well spent.

11:40PM

i really need to learn to listen to my dad. he's a smart guy.  i don't know why, but i guess it never penetrates my skull when he says that if i don't take the time to rest, my body will make me. well now its making me. i always joke around that i'll sleep when i'm dead, and to drive that point home, one of my friends told me today that i looked like death eating a biscuit. good to know.  what started as a small sore throat has now progressed into an evil evil cough, and now i have to sleep or it'll progress more into pnemonia. woofuckinghoo.

12:35PM

i can't remember the last time i was this sick.  not only do i have no voice, i can't seem to stop coughing, my nose seems to have corks in it prohibiting me from breathing, and i've been waking up in the middle of the night sweating like none other.  i've been doing the waking up and coughing thing for the last couple of days, but now this is just ridiculous. did i mention that my head feels like its going to explode?  not a huge deal. what makes me really upset is the fact that last night, phil was trying to cheer me up from the awful week i've been having. does it work? of course not! i started coughing really badly for like an hour. he thought i was having an asthma attack and was going to take me to the hospital.  i mean, i probably would have done the same if i was in his shoes. now he feels like he "can't catch a break" (quote thanks to facebook status).  he got really quiet for a really long time (like moreso than usual) and when i asked what was wrong he said we'd "talk about it when you're feeling better".  way to go, shayna.  you have successfully made someone feel like total shit. because your immune system sucks.

actually though, phil is convinced that this can be attributed to the fact that i'm doing to much and staying up too much and drinking too much etc.  he said he's watched my health decline since the semester started. no my health has not declined, i've merely caught the same damn thing that the rest of campus has/had.

he may not actually hate me, but i'm sure as hell not making him happy.